I do not understand greed. I do not understand poverty. I do not understand the jealousy. I do not understand the hatred. I do not understand power. I do not understand control. I do not understand people. I do not understand this world. I do not understand myself either. Why am I trying to fit in?when I clearly don’t belong in this cruel, artificial world…
I have this sudden burst of loneliness and I want to be left alone. I don’t realize the meaning of life because I see people working hard toward their goals and in the end…it’s just a matter of luck and moment that would lead them
Victorious. Some people work forever to get to where they are just to be dead the next minute. So what is life? Tell me what is life? I want to ask you. Don’t give me the bullshit of energies and karmic ties , yes it may exist but it doesn’t work out for everything. There is so much injustice in this world and sometimes I really wonder if life is worth it. If anything is worth it. People that were born in extreme poverty were not asking for it.
I hate the system. I hate society. I have zero tolerance for people that aren’t grateful for the things they have in this world. I don’t even know what am I saying anymore…Notice how confused I am with my contradicting statements…I am lost. I am confused. Everything is confusing…I don’t know where am I going…
So do you know what’s funny ? I am heard a lot more by people when I use my photos and my aesthetic beauty to voice out my woes. They want to talk to me and know me but otherwise….nobody cares. I love how superficial everyone is. It is a contagious cycle and for this reason, I have to keep maintaining this artificial life. This cycle. I am sure I am not the only one and yes, I can’t break out of it
We are nothing but mere atomic particles that experience different wavelengths of pain and pleasure…and those wavelengths of pain and pleasure vary from one individual to another on the basis of their childhood, culture, people they have been with, friendships formulated and experiences. Sometimes even our genetic makeup also play a role on how deeply we experience something. For example, what I feel strongly for something isn’t what someone else will feel. They might feel nothing and that doesn’t make them bad. Sometimes people are created that way by default. When we feel the same way-as deeply for same things like someone else, that’s when we feel that we have a connection. I have touched on this topic in my previous posts many times and I’ve always been intrigued by this idea. Some don’t experience feelings in depth while others experience so much that it damages them. It damages them until they drill a hole in their heads…a hole that can’t be understood by anyone…I could give the analogy of this hole to a black hole because just like how scientists haven’t yet understood the whole idea correctly about black holes, nobody can understand these dark empty spaces that damaged people have within themselves. We give theories and theories to understand everything in life and then we come up with experimentation and diagnosis and proofs to understand people.
Life is all about objectivity for people but I think the answers to everything isn’t objective. It is subjective.
“Wonder and Sonder about those people outside ….That’s what I do when I look at the nostalgic bright white lights of the streets that reflect the absent bright moon in the pale night sky. I reflect. I think. I ponder. I cry about people unknown and I wonder. I looked at the taxi down the street as you can see in the picture and I wonder if the passengers of that taxi are okay. I wonder if their lives are trouble-filled and that’s when I silently pray, hoping they’re okay. Perplexed sorrows. Mixed stories of pain experienced in different wavelengths…I pray for them as I think about them…Sonder. That’s what I do. Sonder.
Photo taken by me at 3 am :-
I get very fascinated when I see people from different cultures, countries and ethnicities checking out my website and the joy that I receive when they leave sweet comments on my free-flow writing stuff. I mean, they don’t know me but they do read on everything I write and have something to say (they can completely agree or disagree with what I have to say but that’s a different issue because of different train of thoughts and upbringing.) Some people don’t believe in god and think it’s utter waste. Some people like me keep coming on and off to god and can sound hypocritical. Some people are super religious and believe In god. Some people don’t really care about matters like that. Some people believe in enjoying life to the fullest and partying with alcohol. Some people refrain and stay in church. Everyone has a different mindset and a different train of thought. If only we could push those differences aside and respect one another despite it…would be a wonderful start to world peace. I love being multicultural with all honesty, infact I’ve made a vow that I’d never marry a man that’s (desi) Indian or Pakistani ahaha because I hate sticking to one root. I hate sticking to one culture. I’m fascinated with everyone that I meet and I love cherry-picking everything in life! I like to choose the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff from every culture, thus creating this mindset where I can practice being a liberal yet a conservative woman!
A type that would bellow my personality in every demeanour!
Celibacy is one thing that I believe in and one night stands or hookups is another thing that I will never understand. I can understand if a woman that’s in love with her boyfriend, has sex with him out of intense love and emotions for him (it’s only natural that you allow your man to touch you but I still believe that it erases the love in the long term as you’re not married to them and such a union is not blessed by god) but I can’t understand if a woman has sex with someone that she has no emotional connection with. I don’t understand men either but then again we have several quotes and biology to explain their behaviour. Once they hit it, they quit it out of fear or the hormones (dopamine is released a lot during sexual intercourse for men while the love hormone oxytocin is released a lot for women). Emotional men understand this and some get attached to the woman but anyways people are different and not everyone thinks like the way I do. Sex is damaging as it can get someone super attached to a person so why not practice safe sex by wearing the marriage ring? Just my theory and my mindset speaking here. Anyhow, felt like addressing the topic as I know a lot of people that hookup around. I laugh with my friends when they share about their encounters, they’re gorgeous and sweet people with beautiful personalities and ofcourse I don’t judge! Because we are all different…but deep down, I can’t reason it. It’s not because I’m some prude or whatsoever, it’s just that I can’t see sex like the way we eat or drink (or as a need) …I see it as two souls intertwining their bodies together…(passionate or rough or whatever way you engage the intimacy in) …it is still giving a part of you…your body and ofcourse it is a need too but I think people can control it until marriage. I know I can and I know that I can stay abstinent forever but then again, that’s just me.
Photo taken from the web :-
So, Above the text is a Collection of my drawings when I had felt the most intense feelings of loneliness, separation with my so called ex’s , family issues. These are also intertwined with the hopes I had and thoughts that twirled around me in my head. It’s not only related to me but to people and the world in general. I overthink about everything a lot in life …Don’t think that I complain, I don’t and I know I’m very blessed but what about those that have it far worse than I do? I don’t know..it’s not fair sometimes…good should happen with good people but then again isn’t the concept of goodness subjective? The story behind these drawings is the fact that …. i am really not that great of an artist. I DO not know how to draw but I guess during those moments when I felt an intense pressure of my heart, i diverted my entire energy on drawings of feelings during those moments. I think sometimes pain can get the best out of you. It builds you up and toughens you. It can help you focus your energy on talents that you might have never thought about. I am over those kind of feelings but I still look back at them and recall them through these drawings. I have gone through so many heartbreaks, each one worse after the other…but it has built my character. I’ve grown to be independent. Moreover, I really can’t recognise myself anymore except for some aspects of my personality such as my bubbly and extroverted nature but I do know how to stay reserved and quiet. I had done these drawings…a long time ago! Back when I was more emotional than I am at present. At present, I don’t really feel as much as I used to feel before as I disregard everything that’s not beneficial to me. I’ve learnt to be a little more selfish and care less about strangers and friends around me…and I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad about that…but I guess I should be happy. Being too emotional can be a sign of weakness sometimes.
Photo for this blog is a snapshot of my own writing .
Don’t judge me. You don’t know the intentions behind my past. My intentions have always been pure. I have never hurt any soul in my life so far and I’m proud to say that. I haven’t used anyone. I haven’t manipulated anyone. I’ve been in pain, yes and it’s a lot of pain. I’m very emotional as a woman but despite all that I have learnt to forgive people, wish them well and let them go. The flaws that people tell me of my personality is that :- I act a little too conceited and I’m working in that. Also I’m a little too overdramatic and I’m a little too loud so I’m working on that. I’m really working on myself. I’ve a lot to learn and change and I am trying my best not my wear my heart on my sleeves.