We are nothing but mere atomic particles that experience different wavelengths of pain and pleasure…and those wavelengths of pain and pleasure vary from one individual to another on the basis of their childhood, culture, people they have been with, friendships formulated and experiences. Sometimes even our genetic makeup also play a role on how deeply we experience something. For example, what I feel strongly for something isn’t what someone else will feel. They might feel nothing and that doesn’t make them bad. Sometimes people are created that way by default. When we feel the same way-as deeply for same things like someone else, that’s when we feel that we have a connection. I have touched on this topic in my previous posts many times and I’ve always been intrigued by this idea. Some don’t experience feelings in depth while others experience so much that it damages them. It damages them until they drill a hole in their heads…a hole that can’t be understood by anyone…I could give the analogy of this hole to a black hole because just like how scientists haven’t yet understood the whole idea correctly about black holes, nobody can understand these dark empty spaces that damaged people have within themselves. We give theories and theories to understand everything in life and then we come up with experimentation and diagnosis and proofs to understand people.
Life is all about objectivity for people but I think the answers to everything isn’t objective. It is subjective.
“Wonder and Sonder about those people outside ….That’s what I do when I look at the nostalgic bright white lights of the streets that reflect the absent bright moon in the pale night sky. I reflect. I think. I ponder. I cry about people unknown and I wonder. I looked at the taxi down the street as you can see in the picture and I wonder if the passengers of that taxi are okay. I wonder if their lives are trouble-filled and that’s when I silently pray, hoping they’re okay. Perplexed sorrows. Mixed stories of pain experienced in different wavelengths…I pray for them as I think about them…Sonder. That’s what I do. Sonder.
I get very fascinated when I see people from different cultures, countries and ethnicities checking out my website and the joy that I receive when they leave sweet comments on my free-flow writing stuff. I mean, they don’t know me but they do read on everything I write and have something to say (they can completely agree or disagree with what I have to say but that’s a different issue because of different train of thoughts and upbringing.) Some people don’t believe in god and think it’s utter waste. Some people like me keep coming on and off to god and can sound hypocritical. Some people are super religious and believe In god. Some people don’t really care about matters like that. Some people believe in enjoying life to the fullest and partying with alcohol. Some people refrain and stay in church. Everyone has a different mindset and a different train of thought. If only we could push those differences aside and respect one another despite it…would be a wonderful start to world peace. I love being multicultural with all honesty, infact I’ve made a vow that I’d never marry a man that’s (desi) Indian or Pakistani ahaha because I hate sticking to one root. I hate sticking to one culture. I’m fascinated with everyone that I meet and I love cherry-picking everything in life! I like to choose the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff from every culture, thus creating this mindset where I can practice being a liberal yet a conservative woman!
A type that would bellow my personality in every demeanour!
Celibacy is one thing that I believe in and one night stands or hookups is another thing that I will never understand. I can understand if a woman that’s in love with her boyfriend, has sex with him out of intense love and emotions for him (it’s only natural that you allow your man to touch you but I still believe that it erases the love in the long term as you’re not married to them and such a union is not blessed by god) but I can’t understand if a woman has sex with someone that she has no emotional connection with. I don’t understand men either but then again we have several quotes and biology to explain their behaviour. Once they hit it, they quit it out of fear or the hormones (dopamine is released a lot during sexual intercourse for men while the love hormone oxytocin is released a lot for women). Emotional men understand this and some get attached to the woman but anyways people are different and not everyone thinks like the way I do. Sex is damaging as it can get someone super attached to a person so why not practice safe sex by wearing the marriage ring? Just my theory and my mindset speaking here. Anyhow, felt like addressing the topic as I know a lot of people that hookup around. I laugh with my friends when they share about their encounters, they’re gorgeous and sweet people with beautiful personalities and ofcourse I don’t judge! Because we are all different…but deep down, I can’t reason it. It’s not because I’m some prude or whatsoever, it’s just that I can’t see sex like the way we eat or drink (or as a need) …I see it as two souls intertwining their bodies together…(passionate or rough or whatever way you engage the intimacy in) …it is still giving a part of you…your body and ofcourse it is a need too but I think people can control it until marriage. I know I can and I know that I can stay abstinent forever but then again, that’s just me.
So, Above the text is a Collection of my drawings when I had felt the most intense feelings of loneliness, separation with my so called ex’s , family issues. These are also intertwined with the hopes I had and thoughts that twirled around me in my head. It’s not only related to me but to people and the world in general. I overthink about everything a lot in life …Don’t think that I complain, I don’t and I know I’m very blessed but what about those that have it far worse than I do? I don’t know..it’s not fair sometimes…good should happen with good people but then again isn’t the concept of goodness subjective? The story behind these drawings is the fact that …. i am really not that great of an artist. I DO not know how to draw but I guess during those moments when I felt an intense pressure of my heart, i diverted my entire energy on drawings of feelings during those moments. I think sometimes pain can get the best out of you. It builds you up and toughens you. It can help you focus your energy on talents that you might have never thought about. I am over those kind of feelings but I still look back at them and recall them through these drawings. I have gone through so many heartbreaks, each one worse after the other…but it has built my character. I’ve grown to be independent. Moreover, I really can’t recognise myself anymore except for some aspects of my personality such as my bubbly and extroverted nature but I do know how to stay reserved and quiet. I had done these drawings…a long time ago! Back when I was more emotional than I am at present. At present, I don’t really feel as much as I used to feel before as I disregard everything that’s not beneficial to me. I’ve learnt to be a little more selfish and care less about strangers and friends around me…and I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad about that…but I guess I should be happy. Being too emotional can be a sign of weakness sometimes.
Photo for this blog is a snapshot of my own writing .
Don’t judge me. You don’t know the intentions behind my past. My intentions have always been pure. I have never hurt any soul in my life so far and I’m proud to say that. I haven’t used anyone. I haven’t manipulated anyone. I’ve been in pain, yes and it’s a lot of pain. I’m very emotional as a woman but despite all that I have learnt to forgive people, wish them well and let them go. The flaws that people tell me of my personality is that :- I act a little too conceited and I’m working in that. Also I’m a little too overdramatic and I’m a little too loud so I’m working on that. I’m really working on myself. I’ve a lot to learn and change and I am trying my best not my wear my heart on my sleeves.
I have nothing against men of other religions but there is one thing that is very close to my heart. It’s my Islam. I would never marry a man that’s not a Muslim. I wouldn’t ever even look at a man that isn’t a Muslim. I would never marry a man that doesn’t even try and prays to his lord. I would never even look at a man that doesn’t practise his faith. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how important my deen is to me. Why religion is important to me? Well, one day I’d like to cherish and have the moment (when I’m married) of waking up for fajr (morning prayer) and praying alongside my husband. Lakum deenukum waliyadeen : to you your religion and to me, mine. It’s a personal choice and this is very important to me. Islam is everything to me. Just like how Christianity or Judaism would be everything to a believing, Christian or Jewish woman. We are all different that way but we are all still united as people through friendships despite our personal differences. I maybe hypocritical in some ways but religion is deeply important to me and I know that one day, I shall be a deeply embedded within my Islam. SIDENOTE : If you think I’m ‘narrow minded’ – I am speaking this out of experience after I learnt a LOT about myself due to one of my relationships – an ex who wasn’t a Muslim. He was of the Baha’i faith. I was ready to convert for him and do things for him but he left me as his mother disliked me because I was a Muslim…and that’s when I realized that I did everything for him while he did none for me. That’s when I realize that this whole inter-faith relationships aren’t for me. It just isn’t. We are all different and I think it was god’s way of teaching me a lesson maybe… I don’t know, I’m going offtrack here but Islam is important to me.)
Note : Photo has been taken from the web. I believe in celibacy. I believe in being selective. I believe in abstinence. It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes in the past, I have but I strongly believe in abstinence. For some reason, I think sexual intimacy in a relationship (that’s obviously not blessed by God) destroys everything (including the love that you have with your partner) and I’ve seen it happen… I am a god fearing lady and I believe in waiting until marriage because marriage is a union that is blessed by God. There isn’t anymore shame for me as a woman to share my body as I am sharing it with my husband. Not a stupid boyfriend but a husband that I’d love and be doted towards to. I also believe in having a simple wedding without much glamour and money invested in. The simple it is, the more blessed the union is. I would probably want to feed the poor on my wedding day. Being old fashioned is beautiful. I wouldn’t want it in any other way ever again. Sometimes, I fear men…and I turn down all those dates because in today’s world – a relationship starts after you have sex with someone! Or something like that. Heck! I don’t even want to kiss any man again until marriage…I don’t know where he is but when the time is right, I will find him. If you tell me that sexual compatibility is important, then you could just talk about what you like or not like with your partner. I prefer in waiting. For me, pleasing God and Marriage is the goal. This way I also attain an emotional security. At the right time, I shall get what god has destined for me but until then I will wait.
Laylatul Qadr- the night of power. The night that is Better than a 1000 nights. The night where your sins are forgiven and you ask for your wishes by your lord Allah. The night where we pray that our neighbors, our friends, acquaintances and the entire mankind are always safe, blessed and happy. The night where we ask for their wishes to be fulfilled too. The night where we pray with tears in our eyes for others and for ourselves. It usually befalls on the 27th or the 29th of Ramadan but it could be on any of the last 10 nights. I pray for you to always be blessed and happy. I pray that you may enter paradise in the next life. I pray that you stay close to god no matter in whatever religion you’re born into. I pray that you practice and find your peace. May Allah bless everyone. Ameen!
This photo below was taken in the year of 2015. I was super popular and I was making funny videos. I made it to 9gag! I had almost a 1000 followers on Instagram. I was making a lot of friends and a lot of fans and then suddenly I found myself entrapped in this stupid relationship with my ex boyfriend that I left it all. I deleted everything for his stupid sake because he told me that I was too funny and I made too many jokes and it was ridiculous because it was very ‘unlady like’. My friends also treated me no better. I got so lost and confused that I deleted everything for his sake. I deleted my Instagram. Well, that dumb relationship never lasted for long and I regret everything. I regret not being me. I want to be ME in every realm of my life :- work, personal , family and with friends! I don’t understand what’s wrong with that! I Just want to be me! I’ve learnt things the hard way but yes I’ve realized that certain things – keep it to yourself and don’t be overboard with anything but then again, never lose yourself or your personality