Intentions behind my behavior 

Photo for this blog is a snapshot of my own writing 

Don’t judge me. You don’t know the intentions behind my past. My intentions have always been pure. I have never hurt any soul in my life so far and I’m proud to say that. I haven’t used anyone. I haven’t manipulated anyone. I’ve been in pain, yes and it’s a lot of pain. I’m very emotional as a woman but despite all that I have learnt to forgive people, wish them well and let them go. The flaws that people tell me of my personality is that :- I act a little too conceited and I’m working in that. Also I’m a little too overdramatic and I’m a little too loud so I’m working on that. I’m really working on myself. I’ve a lot to learn and change and I am trying my best not my wear my heart on my sleeves.

Why I wouldn’t ever marry a non-Muslim man 

I have nothing against men of other religions but there is one thing that is very close to my heart. It’s my Islam. I would never marry a man that’s not a Muslim. I wouldn’t ever even look at a man that isn’t a Muslim. I would never marry a man that doesn’t even try and prays to his lord. I would never even look at a man that doesn’t practise his faith. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how important my deen is to me. Why religion is important to me? Well, one day I’d like to cherish and have the moment (when I’m married) of waking up for fajr (morning prayer) and praying alongside my husband. Lakum deenukum waliyadeen : to you your religion and to me, mine. It’s a personal choice and this is very important to me. Islam is everything to me. Just like how Christianity or Judaism would be everything to a believing, Christian or Jewish woman. We are all different that way but we are all still united as people through friendships despite our personal differences. I maybe hypocritical in some ways but religion is deeply important to me and I know that one day, I shall be a deeply embedded within my Islam. SIDENOTE : If you think I’m ‘narrow minded’ – I am speaking this out of experience after I learnt a LOT about myself due to one of my relationships – an ex who wasn’t a Muslim. He was of the Baha’i faith. I was ready to convert for him and do things for him but he left me as his mother disliked me because I was a Muslim…and that’s when I realized that I did everything for him while he did none for me. That’s when I realize that this whole inter-faith relationships aren’t for me. It just isn’t. We are all different and I think it was god’s way of teaching me a lesson maybe… I don’t know, I’m going offtrack here but Islam is important to me.)

Thoughts on Celibacy + Simple Marriage 

Note : Photo has been taken from the web. I believe in celibacy. I believe in being selective. I believe in abstinence. It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes in the past, I have but I strongly believe in abstinence. For some reason, I think sexual intimacy in a relationship (that’s obviously not blessed by God) destroys everything (including the love that you have with your partner) and I’ve seen it happen… I am a god fearing lady and I believe in waiting until marriage because marriage is a union that is blessed by God. There isn’t anymore shame for me as a woman to share my body as I am sharing it with my husband. Not a stupid boyfriend but a husband that I’d love and be doted towards to. I also believe in having a simple wedding without much glamour and money invested in. The simple it is, the more blessed the union is. I would probably want to feed the poor on my wedding day. Being old fashioned is beautiful. I wouldn’t want it in any other way ever again. Sometimes, I fear men…and I turn down all those dates because in today’s world – a relationship starts after you have sex with someone! Or something like that. Heck! I don’t even want to kiss any man again until marriage…I don’t know where he is but when the time is right, I will find him. If you tell me that sexual compatibility is important, then you could just talk about what you like or not like with your partner. I prefer in waiting. For me, pleasing God and Marriage is the goal. This way I also attain an emotional security. At the right time, I shall get what god has destined for me but until then I will wait.

Thoughts : Laylatul Qadr – The night of Power 

Note : Photo taken from the web. 

Laylatul Qadr- the night of power. The night that is Better than a 1000 nights. The night where your sins are forgiven and you ask for your wishes by your lord Allah. The night where we pray that our neighbors, our friends, acquaintances and the entire mankind are always safe, blessed and happy. The night where we ask for their wishes to be fulfilled too. The night where we pray with tears in our eyes for others and for ourselves. It usually befalls on the 27th or the 29th of Ramadan but it could be on any of the last 10 nights. I pray for you to always be blessed and happy. I pray that you may enter paradise in the next life. I pray that you stay close to god no matter in whatever religion you’re born into. I pray that you practice and find your peace. May Allah bless everyone. Ameen! 


Regret 

This photo below was taken in the year of 2015. I was super popular and I was making funny videos. I made it to 9gag! I had almost a 1000 followers on Instagram. I was making a lot of friends and a lot of fans and then suddenly I found myself entrapped in this stupid relationship with my ex boyfriend that I left it all. I deleted everything for his stupid sake because he told me that I was too funny and I made too many jokes and it was ridiculous because it was very ‘unlady like’. My friends also treated me no better. I got so lost and confused that I deleted everything for his sake. I deleted my Instagram. Well, that dumb relationship never lasted for long and I regret everything. I regret not being me. I want to be ME in every realm of my life :- work, personal , family and with friends! I don’t understand what’s wrong with that! I Just want to be me! I’ve learnt things the hard way but yes I’ve realized that certain things – keep it to yourself and don’t be overboard with anything but then again, never lose yourself or your personality

Short Review : Music- Nelly Furtado : All Good things come to an end

So this song by nelly furtado used to be my every-relationship-got-over-crying-song.


Not anymore though, now I just giggle at my silliness…Nevertheless
 the lyrics are deep.

 

The opening of the song starts with the fact that life is dandy and it goes on with the following quote that states,

“…We are what we don’t see
Miss everything day dreaming
Flames to dust,
Lovers to friends,
Why do all good things come to an end?”

…Makes you think about all of those moments where things never went as planned in your life.
and yes, I still listen to this song and I still Love the music.

Thoughts : Attachment

Does anyone else have a habit of re-watching, re-listening to the same music and the same movies again and again? I do. I have a habit of re-watching and re-listening to the same piano melodies, to the same movies again and again. I don’t let go off things easily that has been done in the past. I even HATE replacing old handbags with new ones and replacing old phones with new ones. I have this certain kind of attachment that I develop with my accessories. I only let my old handbags go when my mother and my sister roll their eyes at me and tell me to get a new one and even when I get the new one, I still keep my old bag safely…I feel a little emotional even over using new handbags over the old ones! Haha ! It often leads to comical relief within the household due to my expression and actions over certain things like this …like my bag…
and when it comes to people…I am over to the top emotional and I feel things more than they could and I imagine having a bond with them within my head, very close to what it actually is…and through this imagination…a creative imagination, I get hurt…I get badly hurt…I get very bruised…but I am learning…I am learning…

 

Attachment theories
Photo taken from the web. The concept of Attachment Psychology among Humans with Anxiety 

 One hour Photo 

Has anyone watched the movie, “One hour photo” ? – it has a beautiful yet a disturbing image of people that are lonely…people that want to belong to a family…A disturbing yet a beautiful film on lonely people. I loved it, it makes me empathize a lot more with people that are isolated….May God bless people like Sy and RIP Robin Williams for wonderfully portraying the role of Sy – the photoguy

The need of wanting to love and wanting to be loved. (Photo taken from the web)

Copying Nature 

Walking through the man made escapades that are trying too hard to look like the vast nature is intriguing. It’s very intriguing. It’s also ironic because men keep trying to destroy the beautiful nature as well although they try to build their castles and architecture similar to the entity of the nature. Man is a hypocrite in every form

Architecture of a mall in the city of Dubai

Quotes : Paranoia

Lately, I have come to a vivid realization of pessimism. I’ve realized that I’ve turned into a cynical woman. A cynical woman with depressing thoughts…and there are moments where I get overwhelmed.

I get overwhelmed with my mind…I am cynical of people and their wishes for me. Sometimes, I don’t think anyone cares for me besides my family. Sometimes, I think it’s all about envy and some kind of weird jealousy and I am always anxious. My anxiety gets the best of me. I am scared most of the time, especially when I receive a compliment. I question the authenticity of their compliment – is it because they mean well or is it because out of pure jealousy that they wish something ill happens to me…I get so paranoid that I lose my mind and I cut those people off. I cut many people off. Infact I don’t keep anyone close. I keep nobody close. I am too scared to form friendships. I am too scared to even formulate a contact with someone that could be a potential love-interest as well. I just need nobody. Solitude is bliss I guess, my social life has become nil. I talk to nobody anymore. I am just stuck in my vicious cycle of paranoia, disturbia and anxiety but I am okay. I don’t let anyone damage me anymore because I keep nobody close. Nobody.