So, Above the text is a Collection of my drawings when I had felt the most intense feelings of loneliness, separation with my so called ex’s , family issues. These are also intertwined with the hopes I had and thoughts that twirled around me in my head. It’s not only related to me but to people and the world in general. I overthink about everything a lot in life …Don’t think that I complain, I don’t and I know I’m very blessed but what about those that have it far worse than I do? I don’t know..it’s not fair sometimes…good should happen with good people but then again isn’t the concept of goodness subjective? The story behind these drawings is the fact that …. i am really not that great of an artist. I DO not know how to draw but I guess during those moments when I felt an intense pressure of my heart, i diverted my entire energy on drawings of feelings during those moments. I think sometimes pain can get the best out of you. It builds you up and toughens you. It can help you focus your energy on talents that you might have never thought about. I am over those kind of feelings but I still look back at them and recall them through these drawings. I have gone through so many heartbreaks, each one worse after the other…but it has built my character. I’ve grown to be independent. Moreover, I really can’t recognise myself anymore except for some aspects of my personality such as my bubbly and extroverted nature but I do know how to stay reserved and quiet. I had done these drawings…a long time ago! Back when I was more emotional than I am at present. At present, I don’t really feel as much as I used to feel before as I disregard everything that’s not beneficial to me. I’ve learnt to be a little more selfish and care less about strangers and friends around me…and I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad about that…but I guess I should be happy. Being too emotional can be a sign of weakness sometimes.
Photo for this blog is a snapshot of my own writing .
Don’t judge me. You don’t know the intentions behind my past. My intentions have always been pure. I have never hurt any soul in my life so far and I’m proud to say that. I haven’t used anyone. I haven’t manipulated anyone. I’ve been in pain, yes and it’s a lot of pain. I’m very emotional as a woman but despite all that I have learnt to forgive people, wish them well and let them go. The flaws that people tell me of my personality is that :- I act a little too conceited and I’m working in that. Also I’m a little too overdramatic and I’m a little too loud so I’m working on that. I’m really working on myself. I’ve a lot to learn and change and I am trying my best not my wear my heart on my sleeves.
I have nothing against men of other religions but there is one thing that is very close to my heart. It’s my Islam. I would never marry a man that’s not a Muslim. I wouldn’t ever even look at a man that isn’t a Muslim. I would never marry a man that doesn’t even try and prays to his lord. I would never even look at a man that doesn’t practise his faith. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how important my deen is to me. Why religion is important to me? Well, one day I’d like to cherish and have the moment (when I’m married) of waking up for fajr (morning prayer) and praying alongside my husband. Lakum deenukum waliyadeen : to you your religion and to me, mine. It’s a personal choice and this is very important to me. Islam is everything to me. Just like how Christianity or Judaism would be everything to a believing, Christian or Jewish woman. We are all different that way but we are all still united as people through friendships despite our personal differences. I maybe hypocritical in some ways but religion is deeply important to me and I know that one day, I shall be a deeply embedded within my Islam. SIDENOTE : If you think I’m ‘narrow minded’ – I am speaking this out of experience after I learnt a LOT about myself due to one of my relationships – an ex who wasn’t a Muslim. He was of the Baha’i faith. I was ready to convert for him and do things for him but he left me as his mother disliked me because I was a Muslim…and that’s when I realized that I did everything for him while he did none for me. That’s when I realize that this whole inter-faith relationships aren’t for me. It just isn’t. We are all different and I think it was god’s way of teaching me a lesson maybe… I don’t know, I’m going offtrack here but Islam is important to me.)
Note : Photo has been taken from the web. I believe in celibacy. I believe in being selective. I believe in abstinence. It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes in the past, I have but I strongly believe in abstinence. For some reason, I think sexual intimacy in a relationship (that’s obviously not blessed by God) destroys everything (including the love that you have with your partner) and I’ve seen it happen… I am a god fearing lady and I believe in waiting until marriage because marriage is a union that is blessed by God. There isn’t anymore shame for me as a woman to share my body as I am sharing it with my husband. Not a stupid boyfriend but a husband that I’d love and be doted towards to. I also believe in having a simple wedding without much glamour and money invested in. The simple it is, the more blessed the union is. I would probably want to feed the poor on my wedding day. Being old fashioned is beautiful. I wouldn’t want it in any other way ever again. Sometimes, I fear men…and I turn down all those dates because in today’s world – a relationship starts after you have sex with someone! Or something like that. Heck! I don’t even want to kiss any man again until marriage…I don’t know where he is but when the time is right, I will find him. If you tell me that sexual compatibility is important, then you could just talk about what you like or not like with your partner. I prefer in waiting. For me, pleasing God and Marriage is the goal. This way I also attain an emotional security. At the right time, I shall get what god has destined for me but until then I will wait.
Note : Photo taken from the web.
Laylatul Qadr- the night of power. The night that is Better than a 1000 nights. The night where your sins are forgiven and you ask for your wishes by your lord Allah. The night where we pray that our neighbors, our friends, acquaintances and the entire mankind are always safe, blessed and happy. The night where we ask for their wishes to be fulfilled too. The night where we pray with tears in our eyes for others and for ourselves. It usually befalls on the 27th or the 29th of Ramadan but it could be on any of the last 10 nights. I pray for you to always be blessed and happy. I pray that you may enter paradise in the next life. I pray that you stay close to god no matter in whatever religion you’re born into. I pray that you practice and find your peace. May Allah bless everyone. Ameen!
Before I start this short storytime, there are a few pointers that I’d like the mention
I keep a track of my followers on my Instagram-Track followers App. So, if someone that I consider a dear friend to me (or someone that I regularly comment – on their Instagram – and if you unfollow me, well…Yeah, I will actually feel bad…)
speaking of which, now this reminds me of my storytime- related to someone …
So, I had recently met this one friend of mine while doing this course and she seemed to adore me the minute she got to know me. (She was Italian) and she kept saying how she was like ‘me’ when she was around my age. She was wonderful and she’s still wonderful as a person, she was pretty intelligent and I did help her out once or twice whenever possible in her coursework. She was a few years older than I was and I loved her sense of fashion and style. Tattoos and hairdo! I had taken her friendship to my heart and I know that we wouldn’t be close once the course was over, because we all get busy with our lives! but you know , I’d be there for her whenever she needed me and then…bam. She cuts me off and stops following me on Instagram when she was the one who initiated it. Things like this make my mind twirl about people and I go like, ‘wow I guess I never meant anything to you.’ – I know, I know it’s pretty dramatic but that’s how I feel. I got a little tensed and even got depressed about it for sometime but then again, not everyone is the same…we are still friends on Facebook! Haha and she’s very sweet but…a part of me just snapped and I think it’s because in my mind, i think people are more closer to me than they really are in reality.
Is it because of the compliments and all the smiles and the topics we talk about? Yeah maybe….I adore people as much as I adore my family but I am wearing that habit off .
That feeling is going off and it’s unhealthy. It’s very unhealthy.
People are different and we all have different mindsets.
Note : The photo-quote used for this blogpost has been taken from the web.
To those wonderful men that come across a naïve woman and she appears sweet…
Why would you try to see her as a woman that you need yourself to treat?
Why would you hurt her and tell her beautiful things so quick?
Why? Is it because you’re horny and you only think with your stupid d*ck?
Society calls women like them silly and we need to get rid off.
Why doesn’t society call out these men? That slander women using promise words, that the society should cut off?
It’s a part of her story and a part of her past and She has trust issues…now
She has more than enough
She wouldn’t trust any man ever, oh they just bluff!
she didn’t care even if he’s polite, buff and tough, she was sure he’d be an asshole and rough.
You will say, oh that’s generalization! Oh that is so sad
Well…She learnt enough for now and it’s better to be safe rather than cry to your lord and it’s better to be just glad.
She was tired of the same misery that goes in circle round and round
She preferred to trust no man
How could she? Her own daddy went away oh yes, he just ran….
Ran and ran like the way her endless tears streamed her big eyes and now her heart was cold, it was cold as ice!
Making her stronger and stronger – each day as she looked over every other full moon.
It made her look like a lovesick loon but finally the awful truth dawned on her and that day she became very prune…why you may ask?
Well that’s because her last lesson was finally learnt in the month of June.
How do I convince someone about the aspects of my personality?
When I’ve told them about my past that made my life go by bitter and it never lasts…
Everyone wants to analyse… they just want to go by their rationality.
I’m not trying to say I’m any better
There are dozens of people with pain far more worse, bigger than my little story, my little letter
I know I don’t have to convince
I know I shouldn’t care
Because people don’t bother, it’s just their topic of Prying into someone else’s lair.
But what if you want to convince those that you love?
How do I tell them my past that’s been in my room sealed with a roof that has a cove?
Funny, they don’t realize it was I who was wronged
Funny, they don’t realize karma has paid the wrong doers a huge price and I’ve been trying to tell them my story, in the form of a long song.
Maybe, one day they will understand me but if they don’t…
Then I guess I should fabricate and play with them along
Because at the end of the day, you are going to your grave and yes! All alone…
So there is no need to discuss and speak with tears and no! My dear, do not moan.
Note : The Photo used for this short post is taken from the web
“YOU ARE strong. YOU are not weak. YOU are Insha the fucking ARABI!” (this is using my name)
This photo below was taken in the year of 2015. I was super popular and I was making funny videos. I made it to 9gag! I had almost a 1000 followers on Instagram. I was making a lot of friends and a lot of fans and then suddenly I found myself entrapped in this stupid relationship with my ex boyfriend that I left it all. I deleted everything for his stupid sake because he told me that I was too funny and I made too many jokes and it was ridiculous because it was very ‘unlady like’. My friends also treated me no better. I got so lost and confused that I deleted everything for his sake. I deleted my Instagram. Well, that dumb relationship never lasted for long and I regret everything. I regret not being me. I want to be ME in every realm of my life :- work, personal , family and with friends! I don’t understand what’s wrong with that! I Just want to be me! I’ve learnt things the hard way but yes I’ve realized that certain things – keep it to yourself and don’t be overboard with anything but then again, never lose yourself or your personality