Note : This note may have one or more grammatical errors as it’s a free flow writing of thoughts of the current moment.
To my readers,
I should tell you about what happened with me today (Friday the 6th of October -2017)
So, basically I was at the traffic signal – minding my own business. There was a car behind me —some lady in her landcruiser was ‘peeping’ me a lot.
I didn’t know what to do – She wanted to go to the right side of the road and take the exit, I moved a little bit but I COULDN’T move anymore as —THERE WAS A TRUCK IN FRONT OF ME.
So I just waited and after the signals turned green – this woman HAD THE AUDACITY TO roll down the windows of the car and call me ‘stupid’
People are insane…Especially those rich folks with expensive cars….
I was just bewildered with what I experienced.
I’ve a nissan micra car —if I had a fancy car, this wouldn’t have happened. Trust me.
Because I’ve driven expensive cars too and I’ve experienced nothing but a lot of stares and respect. Haha! Materialistic world, eh?
I look tired and worn out but I have reasons behind those faint lines that you see beneath my face. Those lines are the sleepless nights I’ve had out of sheer fright for my livelihood…those lines show the pain I’ve felt when I was defeated , worn out and had nobody to console in. Those lines show my hardwork and perseverance. Those lines show many things so stay kind to everyone because you don’t know anything about their battles but it doesn’t mean that you speak about your battles. You don’t. They will show that they sympathize with you but if they see you reaching the ladders of success, trust me – they want you crumbling down to your demise. People are cruel and disgusting. Stay wary.
Side poses are beautiful and can be analogous to the side stories that people know about…what I mean by ‘side stories’ —are the stories and the rumours that people know of. You can never know what the real truth is of Someone until it’s actually confirmed by several sources and even then , you may still not know the clear picture. So don’t believe and be too quick to judge anyone.
Have you ever felt so shaken and mentally depressed? Have you ever felt that you were different to others just because you treat everyone around you like the way you treat your family? Have you ever felt like an outcast? Have you ever been so hurt that it basically breaks you into pieces over people or casual friends that you make in your life? When you always wanted their best and they wanted your worst…Have you cried over a complete stranger that was in trouble? Someone that you just met recently because you empathized with them too much? I have…I don’t think I belong here. I don’t think I have what it takes to survive here. I cry but I never show i cry. I always smile with weakness. I always smile even if I’m in deep pain. I don’t know if this is strength or weakness but I don’t believe that I belong here….This cruel world , oh this cruel world.
I do not understand greed. I do not understand poverty. I do not understand the jealousy. I do not understand the hatred. I do not understand power. I do not understand control. I do not understand people. I do not understand this world. I do not understand myself either. Why am I trying to fit in?when I clearly don’t belong in this cruel, artificial world…
I have this sudden burst of loneliness and I want to be left alone. I don’t realize the meaning of life because I see people working hard toward their goals and in the end…it’s just a matter of luck and moment that would lead them
Victorious. Some people work forever to get to where they are just to be dead the next minute. So what is life? Tell me what is life? I want to ask you. Don’t give me the bullshit of energies and karmic ties , yes it may exist but it doesn’t work out for everything. There is so much injustice in this world and sometimes I really wonder if life is worth it. If anything is worth it. People that were born in extreme poverty were not asking for it.
I hate the system. I hate society. I have zero tolerance for people that aren’t grateful for the things they have in this world. I don’t even know what am I saying anymore…Notice how confused I am with my contradicting statements…I am lost. I am confused. Everything is confusing…I don’t know where am I going…
So do you know what’s funny ? I am heard a lot more by people when I use my photos and my aesthetic beauty to voice out my woes. They want to talk to me and know me but otherwise….nobody cares. I love how superficial everyone is. It is a contagious cycle and for this reason, I have to keep maintaining this artificial life. This cycle. I am sure I am not the only one and yes, I can’t break out of it
“The last time I wrote was when I felt a lot of feelings but today I don’t feel anything. I think I’m growing into a stone…a cruel stone of no feelings and it scares me because I think I am transforming and I’m transforming into someone I don’t know…into something unknown.”
We are nothing but mere atomic particles that experience different wavelengths of pain and pleasure…and those wavelengths of pain and pleasure vary from one individual to another on the basis of their childhood, culture, people they have been with, friendships formulated and experiences. Sometimes even our genetic makeup also play a role on how deeply we experience something. For example, what I feel strongly for something isn’t what someone else will feel. They might feel nothing and that doesn’t make them bad. Sometimes people are created that way by default. When we feel the same way-as deeply for same things like someone else, that’s when we feel that we have a connection. I have touched on this topic in my previous posts many times and I’ve always been intrigued by this idea. Some don’t experience feelings in depth while others experience so much that it damages them. It damages them until they drill a hole in their heads…a hole that can’t be understood by anyone…I could give the analogy of this hole to a black hole because just like how scientists haven’t yet understood the whole idea correctly about black holes, nobody can understand these dark empty spaces that damaged people have within themselves. We give theories and theories to understand everything in life and then we come up with experimentation and diagnosis and proofs to understand people.
Life is all about objectivity for people but I think the answers to everything isn’t objective. It is subjective.
“Wonder and Sonder about those people outside ….That’s what I do when I look at the nostalgic bright white lights of the streets that reflect the absent bright moon in the pale night sky. I reflect. I think. I ponder. I cry about people unknown and I wonder. I looked at the taxi down the street as you can see in the picture and I wonder if the passengers of that taxi are okay. I wonder if their lives are trouble-filled and that’s when I silently pray, hoping they’re okay. Perplexed sorrows. Mixed stories of pain experienced in different wavelengths…I pray for them as I think about them…Sonder. That’s what I do. Sonder.