Hurt

Why did God do this to me

My heart is bleeding and my eyes are messy with tears

I feel lost

I wish I was dead but then again there are people who do worse than me

I am trying to be grateful

I am trying to be grateful

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Unstable

Even when I show that I’m not stable from day 1, people have a unique ability to destroy me.

I show that I’m sweet, sensitive and a woman you can rely as a friend at all times despite my unstable mind BUT people have this amazing ability to turn it all around me.

How?

They say that they can’t be friends with me or be with me and say that I’m damaging…

Leaving me lost….

Why tell that you’re stable then when they walked first in my life? Why tell that you can be there for me? Why lie?….

I feel like God loves testing me…pushing my limits to the point where I wish I was not even alive… I don’t even have anything secure and stable in my life. I have nothing. Just nothing. It’s like a trial of my emotions all the time.

I wish I honestly died.

I dislike this world. People only use and abuse. First they come into your life and when you shown your vulnerable side, they say that they are stable and they can handle me… Then when they use you, they get tired of you and then tell things… Things such as how dedicated and sweet I can be… But they are unstable themselves and don’t want anything to do with me. As a threat. I know I have my flaws but that makes me confused… I never hid that I have issues with my mental state right? It doesn’t mean that I don’t make up for my mistakes?

I get hurt time and time again but I never store them in my mind… Building it up and exploding in an emotional abusive way… Infact when people hurt me, I take it that today they hurt me but tomorrow it’s a clean slate. I don’t even remember most of my pain done by people to me because I forget about it and I guess I expect people to do the same…

But not everyone is the same right?

Life is a strange paradox

Trapped

I’ve been taking many risks lately.

Trapped.

I’m trapped with my own risks.

People say we should take risks in life but it’s not recommended to take risks when it kills you inside. And then you wonder…

Why?

Why did I make that decision? Why did I jump too soon? Why is everything changing again to worse?

Lessons.

You keep learning lessons. You keep growing.

The best advice is to hold your heart always. Don’t ever hand it anyone so quick.

And God? God does exist…but he only answers to those that pray deeply and sincerely.

I’m none of those. I don’t know why. I wish I prayed. I wish I was closer to God.

But I’m far, far away from his mercy.

Life is a bitch. Death can only redeem me.

Short note : Metamorphosis

I have this weird feeling of sadness and nostalgia that I can’t get rid of. I used to think about myself as a person as few years ago…

The only word that pops out of my head for describing the past me :

Happy

The other word that pops out of my head is :

Ignorance

Have you ever felt where you really can’t recognize your past personality and your past self…

You suddenly have this understanding related to the epiphany of change?

Do you look into the mirror and realize that you’ve changed? You’ve changed so much due to damage? Damage by experiences? Damage of the trust that you would readily give to people? Damage of your sweet soul that has now turn very cold? So cold that you’d think twice to even help others, realizing that life is a game of chess with no mercy towards anyone

There is no room for sweet people. There is no room for empathy.

World is a strange creation but despite the chaos, you need to be thankful to your lord…

Why?

Well, people often say this to others when they see someone struggling :

It could’ve been worse

It could’ve been worse

It could’ve been worse

That’s what we all say even to ourselves to help us internally to deal with our bleeding soul…in this chaotic world…

We are all dirty hypocrites. Dirty, dirty hypocrites.

Depression

Have you ever felt eerie and sad without absolutely any reason?

Have you felt that there is no purpose to your existence to your life and every breath you take?

Sometimes we are so helpless and miserable in our routines…we don’t know in what way we can impact and serve the goodness that we ache to give back to mankind …to those in distress

To those that want us and need our help.

Sometimes we tend to be suicidal for those reasons and sometimes we just wish that it all ended.

Our existence ceases into speckles of odorless dust.

Such is the feelings of a mere human life sometimes.

That’s called depression.

Mere Odourless Emotions

People mock at those that joke a lot

I often come across people that look down upon me just because I make funny videos and I crack a lot of lame jokes.

I get comments such as, “oh you’re not a serious person”

“You’re immature”

“You’re childish”

Some of these comments are from people that are friends. They actually mock at me.

While others , especially men try to condescend me and say that I won’t find a man to be with me because I love to joke about a lot.

It’s funny. Life is short. If I want to laugh and have fun then so be it. Why do people try to make a joke out of it just because I like to joke about

Moreover , I’m an educator. I know when and how to have serious conversations about issues.

Interestingly when I’m serious , people don’t want to take me seriously . These are some of the cons of being funny and clumsy.

Sometimes even my family condescends me for my behavior. A part of me wants to prove everyone wrong someday and I think I will someday

At the end of the day , you truly know who and what you are.

You know exactly what you’re comprised of. You know your strengths and weaknesses are.

So prove you to yourself and others.

I guess what I’m trying to summarize is that –

You really can’t expect people to understand you.

You can’t show all your faces to the world.

I don’t break any heart.

“I may be a lot of things but I’m not the one that ever makes a soul cry at night. I’m not the one that hurts any heart. I love to love and I love to give. That has always been my heart. My heart has been broken several times…I’ve witnessed the greatest storms of my life. I’ve cried for days and for nights yet here I am , being silly and funny. Being goofy. Being a joker. Being the hero of my life. I shall laugh and I shall cry but I shall never go to bed with any tears that resembles regret of breaking any heart. I’m at peace. Peace.”

Cruel Reality of Life : Collateral Damage

Have you ever woken up from a nightmare and you are just thankful, thankful to your stars that it’s just a nightmare

But when nightmare becomes a dreadful reality…you’re honestly paralyzed without knowing what to do.

The eyes weep with sorrow and fear…a trepidation on what shall happen next ?

Survival is the basic instinct of human nature but what if you weren’t equipped for survival after surviving for so long ? You may wonder what went wrong. You may blame that this happened due to god but what if you were just a collateral damage?

A collateral damage that was never meant to happen…

In a blissful minute, your sudden realization of those people , harmless people dying in countries such as Syria …come into your head.

Did they deserve it ? No they didn’t. Did they deserve it ? No they didn’t.

Such is the cruel reality of life.

Photo of a Syrian children handing in food to a journalist.

Haven’t been active for long. UPDATE

Hello dear readers,

I haven’t been active for a long time and the only reason for my inactivity is my busy schedule.

So many things have happened in my life that I can’t pick which one should I use to reflect it on my writings.

However, life has been okay and I think god has been helping me a lot

Never give up hope in the light of despair.

Much love to everyone

Hope everyone has had a great beginning to the year of 2018!