Damaged Desires

“Men have used me for their messy love. They’ve used me. They’ve broke me but I’m still here, waiting and craving for the right man to enter in my life. I’m still here….desiring for the perfect companion…~ amor, waiting for mi amor”

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Depression

Have you ever felt eerie and sad without absolutely any reason?

Have you felt that there is no purpose to your existence to your life and every breath you take?

Sometimes we are so helpless and miserable in our routines…we don’t know in what way we can impact and serve the goodness that we ache to give back to mankind …to those in distress

To those that want us and need our help.

Sometimes we tend to be suicidal for those reasons and sometimes we just wish that it all ended.

Our existence ceases into speckles of odorless dust.

Such is the feelings of a mere human life sometimes.

That’s called depression.

Mere Odourless Emotions

People mock at those that joke a lot

I often come across people that look down upon me just because I make funny videos and I crack a lot of lame jokes.

I get comments such as, “oh you’re not a serious person”

“You’re immature”

“You’re childish”

Some of these comments are from people that are friends. They actually mock at me.

While others , especially men try to condescend me and say that I won’t find a man to be with me because I love to joke about a lot.

It’s funny. Life is short. If I want to laugh and have fun then so be it. Why do people try to make a joke out of it just because I like to joke about

Moreover , I’m an educator. I know when and how to have serious conversations about issues.

Interestingly when I’m serious , people don’t want to take me seriously . These are some of the cons of being funny and clumsy.

Sometimes even my family condescends me for my behavior. A part of me wants to prove everyone wrong someday and I think I will soon.

At the end of the day , you truly know who and what you are.

you know exactly what you’re comprised of. You know your strengths and weaknesses are.

So prove you to yourself and others.

I guess what I’m trying to summarize is that –

you really can’t expect people to understand you.

You can’t show all your faces to the world.

I don’t break any heart.

“I may be a lot of things but I’m not the one that ever makes a soul cry at night. I’m not the one that hurts any heart. I love to love and I love to give. That has always been my heart. My heart has been broken several times…I’ve witnessed the greatest storms of my life. I’ve cried for days and for nights yet here I am , being silly and funny. Being goofy. Being a joker. Being the hero of my life. I shall laugh and I shall cry but I shall never go to bed with any tears that resembles regret of breaking any heart. I’m at peace. Peace.”

Cruel Reality of Life : Collateral Damage

Have you ever woken up from a nightmare and you are just thankful, thankful to your stars that it’s just a nightmare

But when nightmare becomes a dreadful reality…you’re honestly paralyzed without knowing what to do.

The eyes weep with sorrow and fear…a trepidation on what shall happen next ?

Survival is the basic instinct of human nature but what if you weren’t equipped for survival after surviving for so long ? You may wonder what went wrong. You may blame that this happened due to god but what if you were just a collateral damage?

A collateral damage that was never meant to happen…

In a blissful minute, your sudden realization of those people , harmless people dying in countries such as Syria …come into your head.

Did they deserve it ? No they didn’t. Did they deserve it ? No they didn’t.

Such is the cruel reality of life.

Photo of a Syrian children handing in food to a journalist.

Haven’t been active for long. UPDATE

Hello dear readers,

I haven’t been active for a long time and the only reason for my inactivity is my busy schedule.

So many things have happened in my life that I can’t pick which one should I use to reflect it on my writings.

However, life has been okay and I think god has been helping me a lot

Never give up hope in the light of despair.

Much love to everyone

Hope everyone has had a great beginning to the year of 2018!

The year of 2017 : If you have money, you have respect. 

Note : This note may have one or more grammatical errors as it’s a free flow writing of thoughts of the current moment.

To my readers, 

I should  tell you about what happened with me today (Friday the 6th of October -2017) 

So, basically I was at the traffic signal – minding my own business. There was a car behind me —some lady in her landcruiser was ‘peeping’ me a lot. 

I didn’t know what to do – She wanted to go to the right side of the road and take the exit, I moved a little bit but I COULDN’T move anymore as —THERE WAS A TRUCK IN FRONT OF ME.

So I just waited and after the signals turned green – this woman HAD THE AUDACITY TO roll down the windows of the car and call me ‘stupid’ 
People are insane…Especially those rich folks with expensive cars….
Wow…Really wow…

 I was just bewildered with what I experienced. 

I’ve a nissan micra car —if I had a fancy car, this wouldn’t have happened. Trust me.

Because I’ve driven expensive cars too and I’ve experienced nothing but a lot of stares and respect. Haha! Materialistic world, eh?

Short quote : Enervated

I look tired and worn out but I have reasons behind those faint lines that you see beneath my face. Those lines are the sleepless nights I’ve had out of sheer fright for my livelihood…those lines show the pain I’ve felt when I was defeated , worn out and had nobody to console in. Those lines show my hardwork and perseverance. Those lines show many things so stay kind to everyone because you don’t know anything about their battles but it doesn’t mean that you speak about your battles. You don’t. They will show that they sympathize with you but if they see you reaching the ladders of success, trust me – they want you crumbling down to your demise. People are cruel and disgusting. Stay wary. 

Side Poses and Side Stories – Short analogy 

Side poses are beautiful and can be analogous to the side stories that people know about…what I mean by ‘side stories’ —are the stories and the rumours that people know of. You can never know what the real truth is of Someone until it’s actually confirmed by several sources and even then , you may still not know the clear picture. So don’t believe and be too quick to judge anyone.

Do you really think you know the full story?

I am the black sheep. 

Have you ever felt so shaken and mentally depressed? Have you ever felt that you were different to others just because you treat everyone around you like the way you treat your family? Have you ever felt like an outcast? Have you ever been so hurt that it basically breaks you into pieces over people or casual friends that you make in your life? When you always wanted their best and they wanted your worst…Have you cried over a complete stranger that was in trouble? Someone that you just met recently because you empathized with them too much? I have…I don’t think I belong here. I don’t think I have what it takes to survive here. I cry but I never show i cry. I always smile with weakness. I always smile even if I’m in deep pain. I don’t know if this is strength or weakness but I don’t believe that I belong here….This cruel world , oh this cruel world.

Fake smile